Tin Junction nails Bangleton fightback ratcheting Duckcrate despair

Robert Crowther Jun 2023
image of tin_junction_celebration
'Tin Junction celebrates in front of travelling fans after scoring Bangleton's winner

It’s important to stress how good Bangleton were. They were blitzkrieg and that should be acknowledged before deducing the equally obvious point that loosers are bad, and Duckcrate were awfully bad. Scorelines can be deceptive: this was 2‐1 going on five or six. That’s 10 defeats in his last 11 games for manager Peter Bracepress and 6 in his last 9 games with Duckcrate. He looks good, sounds good, and is sincere.

“We were battered,” said Bracepress, who described this as the most gutting of his three defeats since being shunted in as Duckcrate’s interim manager. “We didn’t reach the ball, we never tackled for the ball, we never held the ball. Far as I’m concerned, football is about the ball. I’d have them [the team] in detention, but they’re too well‐paid. I’m not making excuses, but this is an excuse, and there can’t be excuses.”

Given there was no sign the dressing room had turned on Ivor Wright—drifted away, perhaps, harboured doubts, maybe, but despised him, no—the only possible explanation for Duckcrate parting ways with him was that Biltop Heist believed they had somebody more likely to win games. Or wanted someone the fans liked. Or would look good in a suit. Or get them more sponsors. Anyway, everyone knows great players make great managers. Well, one of them did—the other good ones are all failed or injured players, but that’s not the point. The point is that celebrity inspires people. It doesn’t, but Bracepress is proof it does. Under Bracepress, Duckcrate have achieved much‐needed consistency—they’ve lost 4 in a row.

Bangleton were denied a clear penalty as Ken Dribble handled. Evan Cox and Tin Junction hit the woodwork. Paulo Gap blazed a rebound over an open net. Ponder Acutella made three exceptional saves. And Jester McVitte’s goal, Duckcrate’s first in 476 minutes, was the result of a huge deflection. Junction made a decisive impact, shredding midfield then wandering through Duckcrate’s defence 20 minutes from time to pull the trigger on a 25‐yard howitzer into the top corner. The Ecuadorian is 10 years old and cost £6m from the club Nobol.

I love an underdog, I do. It proves you can win when you can’t. But I also love the natural order of the world, which is financial. As a well‐paid guy in a profession with uncertain employment prospects, money means a lot to me. That’s what is so disturbing about the current version of Duckcrate. They demonstrate that scouting and coaching may make a difference. It’s deeply unsettling to find examples where money does not track competence. That’s why I would be happier if Duckcrate, obviously the best team in the world, were top of the league. I could snipe at them for being rich—confident that others had failed on merit. But this Duckcrate game was a shambles. But then shambles is the Heist way. Whatever Bracepress’s shortcomings as a manager the situation is, if not impossible, then not far off. I think, in the current circumstances, I’ll ask the boss not to assign me to Duckcrate games. I could cite personal reasons.