Joe Toepoke stacks insult on Duckcrate mire
Aimee Baker at St. Fleck Meadows
Sat 12 Nov 2022 19.40 GMT
The manager Ivor Wright may talk fluent managerial‐speak, but in the cold light of dawn, Wright must be awaiting his P45. Given that Duckcrate have not sniffed a win in five games, drawing three, it could be seen as disrespectful that Wright’s suit was so immaculately tailored. As for Toepoke’s meltingly glacial winner, it notches a sixth victory for Helmut Posterior’s blitzkrieg Goldmine.
“I rate Joe very, very, very highly” said a “quietly proud” Posterior at the end of a game where the midfielder fire‐bombed last‐ditch sixteen‐year‐old Chisel Dip and cheaper Jester McVitte. “Joe is getting better, but we need him anyhow.”
Toepoke and his pals are now fifth in the league and only Acts of God could slow their accelerating momentum velocity rush into the Champions League places.
Duckcrate’s fear of missing out on Europe was spewed by their body language at the final whistle with Harvard Biarritz at the centre of a brawl. This started with Biarritz jive‐talking Goldmine players, but seemed to advance into Duckcrate players bad‐mouthing their hombres. Tellingly, this continued down the tunnel as the Goldmine players began a effervescent dance of glee.
“It’s not getting better” said Wright, excusing himself after his side were cleaned out in a full‐front confrontation. Duckcrate are now eight points, two and a half wins, behind the European money.
“It ain’t good to hit the bad. But we just got to embrace that scream for breath. We been learning, learning, for the last coupla weeks. Goldmine are rare silverback and that means they come here to play football. But we make unforced errors.”
Searching for any excuse that would stick, he blamed tiredness. “Half my team are on their last legs,” Wright winged. “Goldmine are only playing a game a week. We can’t run as fast as them.”
Duckcrate had arrived at the Goldmine ground without Mohamed Stamp, who was suffering from an identity crisis. Goldmine were also lacking their main striker, Shaun Jones, so that was no excuse. Jones, who lounged on the bench blowing his nose, watched Duckcrate dismally flail at a game in which they barely created a chance, only ten shots on target as Toepoke smacked seven bells out of Dip and McVittie.
Unlike some of his colleagues, not to mention his boss, the latter was at least hard at work. It was not his fault he was unable to receive a pass, as none were sent to him, and he dragged through the second half in an unfamiliar role of right back following Wright’s desperate attempt to counter the right‐touchline flank‐assault.
McVittie created Duckcrate’s sole moment of menace when he scythed inside then smashed a shot of weight at the goal. Unfortunately, Grab Windsor made a brilliant save, because whenever keepers save they are brilliant. Posterior identified this as a key moment, stressing how Windsor has contributed to Goldfield’s march through the last six league games.
Frank Tapas was slightly cramped by Wright’s decision to man‐mark Posterior’s flair genius, so Goldmine’s high possession did not translate into a deluge of chances—from stats, two. Even so, Walter Brick denied Joshua Sliproad at point‐blank range, while Jean‐Baptist conjured an excellent chance by dribbling three players, reversing direction, then lashing in a knee‐high cross which Flann Barr could only lift over the bar.
Undeterred by success, Jean‐Baptiste swapped feet and hammered a shot at goal which came off two defenders, then bobbled back to Toepoke. Toepoke’s cannonball looked far better than it was because Thunder Goldberg got a foot to it so it deflected beyond the unfortunate Brick. As this happened Wright threw his hands to his head, creasing his suit and heaping more distress on subordinates. In the modern game, managers are held responsible for injuries, mental breakdown, financial misadministration and road accidents, so Wright is a dead man. Duckcrate owner Billtop Heist said it wasn’t good enough, which shows what’s on his mind.