Drabweal Drawbars surge to doldrums 0-3

Robert Crowther Oct 2023

[Editors Note: It will be the subject of outraged articles that several clubs, including Oldtime, Duckcrate and Allparts United have sold their viewing rights to the highest bidder. At the current time genuine fans can view Premiership matches only through Egyptian TV and pirated Chinese news channels. While this situation persists we have laid off all football reporters, and this report about a pitch battle in the Paracetamol Senior League is brought to you by our Berkshire countryside correspondent, Armand Hestletine]

image of drawbar_goals
Drawbar state-of-the-art facilities fail to mask sporting failures

“I’ve seen maybe 6 truly unforgettable home matches in my time, 7 at a push. This was not one of them.”

So said 70‐year season ticket acolyte Arthur Kraken following this latest drubbing by regional pariahs Eastbarm Tin Whistles, in what has been for them an unprecedented surge into the history books from a place not far below abject mediocrity.

Things had started questionably for the Drawbars, before graduating to passable, before a dispiriting pivot to dismal in only the 8th minute. An early away goal, executed through a spellbindingly workmanlike solo dribble sesh from Whistle centre‐forward Tommy Provost seemed never to end, even minutes past the moment it inevitably did.

Arty Bronchitis, nominally in goal, didn’t know where to look, having been preoccupied by a spate of vicious heckles whom it later transpired came from his own justifiably disgruntled aunt and uncle.

Reflecting on proceedings at half time, interim manager Stellan Carpal‐Tunnel was characteristically sanguine. “They’re an absolute shower, but I know in my heart the other lot are even worse.”

A surprise foul, mesmeric in its bloodlust and tear‐jerking in its punctuality, on Barms captain Archie Timperley in the 45th minute saw the second half begin with the striking image of Drawbars skipper Dante De La Toon losing the coin toss to himself. Proceedings only deteriorated from there.

History does not record the final 2 goals, nary a dry eye in the stand.

“We’ve played worse” offered Drawbars midfielder Errol Wildebeest, his words robbed of some of their resolve by coming a full hour after close of play, as the facility staff attempted to move him on from the merchandise stall.